He amuses himself by tossing most of them to lucky audience members. ••• monologue: Continuing from yesterday, Dave itemizes even more resolutions for 2011: ••• New York City had El Blizzardo Grande on Dec. The Sanitation Department will have the trash out in a couple of weeks.27, which fouled up transportation and services somethin' awful. "It stinks of death over here, Dave," Alan reports.
Her resolution was, "I'm going to try not to be a douche bag." (Dave receives the Late Show aaoogah horn for this quote.) And when that ball comes down... He wants to tell us about his most recent air travel, and the inspection of his person by a TSA employee.
They gave "Dave and The Twins" quite a good inspection, if you know what I mean.
Popeyes®: Drivers wanted." We're a week into the new year, and Dave has had a nagging sense of forlorn for the last 10 minutes or so. 17) delivers some really original and funny stand-up. 1/10/11 : Alan Kalter's face is very orange*** this evening, and Dave wonders what happened to Big Red. Alan thinks they want his autograph, but that was just a cruel distraction. ••• desk chat, after commercial: "Before you buy a lift ticket, make sure your kid takes a leak! / video: (scene from Two and a Half Men) (TV Land logo) (voice-over): "With Charlie Sheen temporarily off the air, TV Land is the place to be for hard-living characters.
"There's no harder-working man in show business than myself," Dave informs us. Moments after Alan looks down in order to deliver a top-quality autograph, all three of the teenage anarchists spray Alan's face, hair and trenchcoat fluorescent orange. ••• Tomorrow it will be annouced that Verizon will offer Apple's i Phone™. " ••• TTL sponsor: Alan announces that tonight's list is sponsored by A Company. Tonight, don't miss a rare episode of The Honeymooners, where Ralph and Ed battle crippling addictions." (Jackie Gleason, loaded and stumbling): "Everything's going real fast." (voice-over): "The Honeymooners: Only on TV Land." (voice-over): "As opposition to his regime continued to grow, today President Mubarak announced a multimillion dollar upgrade to the Sphinx." (The Sphinx): "Meow. Meow." (voice-over): "This has been 'Hosni Mubarak: Too Little Too Late.' " 1.
At , experience the pulse-pounding excitement of Mic Check." (audio technician): "Check 1, 2, Oprah, Oprah..." (voice-over): "At , catch Screaming Nut Job Crazy Hour." (clips): screaming nut jobs (voice-over): "And at , don't miss Backwards Oprah." (clip): Oprah talking backward (voice-over): "OWN: Where ••• desk chat: 1. Boehner obviously needs counseling to deal with his sobbing problem. Paul interjects with the thought that the pages aren't numbered because you can adjust the font size, thereby changing the number of words per page. Oz picks out quite a load of carbohydrates in the mix. He grabs Tony's cue cards, dumps 'em and rolls back offstage.
Dave shows us that the birds' wings are on backward. He first thought the birds happening was perpetrated by high school kids. Dave compliments Oprah for building a girls' school in Africa. (I guess it's different from a PDF, which retains the original numbers.) ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During the Republicans' First Day in Charge of the House ••• Dave has the i Pad™ at his command module. ••• Birds are falling out of the sky all over the place.He comes out every night trying to make a great experience for the audience members, because they he'll have a great experience, too. Linda from Melbourne, Australia raised her hand to ask, "What is Dairy Queen? (Stay tuned for further developments.) ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marrying a 110-Year-Old Man ••• after commercial: Dave has a box of Dilly Bars, and a delighted Linda from Australia gets one! / Dave lists four people who know what exactly they're doing in broadcasting: 1. / video: (clip): a Verizon Wireless store (voice-over): "Verizon Wireless is poised to offer Apple's popular i Phone™ in a blow to the i Phone's long-time exclusive carrier, at&t." (clip): an at&t store and i Phone (voice-over): "at&t's strategy going forward will be to focus on our long-time core business: telegraph service. " "I just wanted to drown out this crap," Gene replies. "You've got to remove the suspenders." Then the neck warmer hits the floor. ••• Charlie Sheen was rushed to a hospital in recent days. Martha Stewart will appear on Friday, which means her episode was taped yesterday. " (Alan): "I had a crazy weekend, Dave." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Did you lose a black glove?Dave could tell that tonight's audience didn't want to be here. ••• Regis Philbin bravely reappears for another interview with Dave, and tonight our host has treats! Tonight Regis has stories about jobs he had before he was Regis, and his stint in the Korean War as a supply officer for the U. We hope to be Apple's rumored i Graph device." (photo): a telegraph key with an Apple logo (audio): Morse code "VI" (voice-over): "at&t: Please check the number and try your call again." Apparently it's not fashionable to capitalize AT&T these days. When Sully's running, his big old tongue flaps against his face. ••• There's more trouble with deceased birds plummeting from the sky. / Photoshop fun: Joining Donald Trump and Amy Winehouse with bird carcasses on their heads (or red hat, in this case) is His Eminence, Pope Benedict XVI. Taping of his show, Two and a Half Men, went on hiatus. ••• with closing credits: Keith Olbermann and Biff Henderson 2/01/11 : Dave likes salty snacks, but he thinks people are eating way too much salt. Moments later he's chowing down on multiple handsful of Na Cl. ••• monologue: "Charlie Sheen has 90 days of rehab at his house. Dave says he woke up with a hangover, but he hadn't been drinking. I saw one today down by 48th and 9th Avenue." ••• Chris Elliott (who Paul plays on with his "Bananas" song) plugs Eagleheart.Dave thanks them for their thoughtfulness, and forks over the cash. So what you're trying to say is here you would like the money I won." (Joe): "Yes, please." (Dave forks over his jackpot. " ••• Rupert Jee's New York Jets beat the New England Patriots 28-21 yesterday, and will play the Steelers on January 23 for the AFC championship. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's more with Jack Hanna. " (Alan, dressed like King Tutankhamun): "Thank you, Dave. ••• After his latest incidents, Charlie Sheen is rehabbing at home, and there's a picture: Al Pacino in Scarface, with cocaine all over him ••• monologue: Late Show correspondent Bob Jenkins is in Cairo. " (Bob is now seen in front of the green screen, with chroma keying off.) (Bob): "No." (Dave): "OK, thanks, Bob. Bob, do you have any idea why I have my fingers in my ear? Dave and Paul care more about the needs of humanity than the Red Cross.The two future inhabitants of Riker's Island ditch the shovels and scamper offstage. " (Joe): "I could have used the money." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "I'm getting married in a few months..." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "..unexpected expenses..." (Dave): "Right." (Joe): "..bike was stolen, and I had to buy a new one." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "My refrigerator died. The two gentlemen pause for a bit.) (Joe): "The bike actually cost 0." (Dave): "Get out! Just get..." (Joe, reliable as clockwork, attempts to exit the wrong way.) (Dave): "No, no, no, no, no. Dave wanted to show us the winning touchdown but couldn't get the rights, which leads us to this exciting animation, "NFL Highlight Simulation." It's just stick figures, but we get the general idea. Dave shouldn't have itemized with his fingers, because he realizes to his horror that he is presently giving The Finger to North America on this, the Tiffany Network.] Anyway, back to Dorothy. ••• Top Ten Ways to Pronounce Reince Priebus ••• interruption: We hear some fine harmonica music. He has little African Penguins (Jackass Penguins) from Southwest Africa. Next is a warthog from Africa, and finally we have a couple of gorgeous baby cheetahs. 1/18/11 : monologue: Dave's all excited about the new Trenta from Starbucks. " (Bob): "I have no idea." (Dave): "OK, thank you very much. Only seconds into the preshow audience visit, Dave can tell how the show will go. An audience lady up close was giving a horrified stare at the tie. Show 'em everything ya got, because Jay, it's Thursday, and it's time for "Jaywalking." (Dave): "You know, I'm sorry. We're just gettin' ready to do the Top Ten list here." (man, facing the camera): "Oh. " (CBSO): phony SNL theme song (Dave): "The president of Title Town, Vince Lombardi." ••• Top Ten Ways New York City Is Healthier Than Ever ••• desk chat: Dave's holding a Playbill.••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave cares about us home viewers, by the way. Now, speaking of running, Dave has gotten to wondering what it would be like if tortoises were speedy, and hares were slow as molasses. Naturally Dave wonders how that would work out for humans who were running. 1/11/11 : There's another pesky snowstorm in store for New York City... (Dave promises the balcony will be plowed tomorrow. That's where the CBS guests sit.) The National Weather Service is on it. Since the warning may change, we've also issued a Warning Watch Alert Update Watch Warning. ••• Tom De Lay's going to the joint for three years for monkeying around with campaign finance funds, and boy, are his colleagues ever upset. / video: (various nebulae photos) (voice-over): "A mysterious green blob has been spotted in outer space. / Top Ten Charlie Sheen Excuses ••• Justin Bieber plugs an important documentary, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Martha was cooking items for a football-themed party. He said, "Martha, do you still hear from any of the cons? Dave wants to say something to Hosni Mubarak, and all Egyptians everywhere, for that matter, which brings us to "The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak." / video: (title graphics) (voice-over): "And now, 'The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak.' " (Dave, at desk, looking troubled): "Hosni, Hosni, Hosni." (voice-over): "This has been 'The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak.' " ••• Gov. ••• While Gerard Mulligan didn't join Chris as usual, we get tape of a mockumentary with Gerard and Chris's daughter Bridget "Bridey" Elliott, "Chris and Gerry with the NYPD." Chris began with Dave on Late Night from its start, and eventually became a writer.